Nothing Prepairs you

So I walked off from nearly getting married, I walked out of a relationship that was on and off for good four years
It was like one of those half empty glasses – the irony is that I always ignored it was half empty and was quite content that it was half full
Though it was half full it was never the same as a full glass – so quite naturally it was filled with grimace, hurt , disappointment for both of us ( not just for me but for him too )
I don’t know, I was the one who was hanging on to him , clinging to the thought that I wanted to marry him at times when I was in doubt & despair
though no matter how much we fought ( he fought ) for the stupidest reasons I still dint end it – the final year was quite stable compared to the earlier 3 years that was,
where I’ve walked out of the relationship countless times but then again he somehow came around – waited from me , caught me off guard and yes I was back – WE WERE BACK

The thing is I gave it a lot of thought ( I really did before patching up last time on June 2010)

I believe, I know, that nobody leads picture perfect life’s
Everyone goes through ups and downs , so are couples
So maybe we were a normal couple ( I thought)
not quite normal compared to our friends
since we had way more disagreements
very few public appearances , sharing my world ,wanting to be tagged on things I love doing was almost non existence
& the unhappy days out numbered the days we were happy
So are these not good enough reasons to simply walk away?

maybe it was my insecurities, that made me take him back or in the end made me cling in to him in our last phase
A notion that was created within me that made me believe in “ I won’t be able to find someone else…
someone who accepts me for the sinner I am, the devil within me that no one want to put up with.
The wider my waist line became & with the increase of “Cant get in to any more cloths “ ,
My self confidence that oozed out some time back left me leaving me unattractive, unwanted
I honestly thought I wouldn’t do better than this
Yes I did
I say it out loud and proud NOW
I was been a stupid goon
I was been dumb for a year or two
I thought no one would want me
want me for the rebel that I am
and I was ready to settle
change myself completely
give up – give in

I was scared to think of not been able to share my world, age alone and lonely , I wanted to build a world together, I craved for companionship , love
share, create space, kids, plans future, a home , a nest , travel, roam, lay in the sun, day dream, rest, walk in the woods, insurances, mortgages , monthly bills

And all these expected out of the Mr wrong

To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part…

But here are few inspirations , things that Ive collected for my big day .. I honestly did plan it in my head before the split..hmm not quite certain when, where, how or to whome now.. May be it might not even happen, who knows... But every girl has a dream.. of having a big day..

Grace Kelly will always be the bride I look up to...

uncut Diamond engagement rings & hammered wedding bands

Eco friendly thank you gifts

Chinese lanterns
Brides maids in Floral prints
Outdoor Garden wedding that kicks on before the sunset that goes on till late
Wedding wows or Poruwa Ceromony under a tree

Cupcake Wedding cake structure :)
Fun pic session with mustaches or Top hats for guests
Bird cage veils (dont know how to plug in to a poruwa Ceromoney)

Monologue

So what…
Did you
find the missing thread..
the one you thought
that will connect
you
and
me…
“Oh really”
how sad
so no thread then.. hur..
Now what?
Ah really..
So no thread,
no connection made,
no click,
no sparks,
no nothing,
Aha you wanna move on too..

So long then
Adios
Me dio mucho gusto conocerlo

Bed time stories

Here are few instances where the Fashion Industry has taken on the bed time stories that we grew up with..

Princess & the pea




Hansel & Gretel( the wicked witch is none other than Lady Gaga here)


Rapunzel

Cinderella

Remember how your parents read to you before you went to sleep? When I look back that is one of my favorite memories that I have.. How my parents use to read to me, I was lucky that I was sleeping in the middle of mom and dad till I was almost 4..( I know,How did they do that so discreetly???? I still Wonder since I've never ever felt anything queer) And every night mom use to sing nursery rhymes out of a book called "Mother goose nursery rhymes" & dad use to sing all the Sinhalese Folk poetry. Then there was a whole heap of lady bird books from Cinderella, Thumbelina, Piped piper, Rapunzel & Emperor's new cloth that went on repeat.

Our four poster bed was joined by one of the walls and that wall was embedded with a giant 5 feet x 2 feet fish tank :D.. Yes my dad is quite a Super man. It was his idea to make the room turn in to a giant aquarium - and a florescence pink colored light was lit from inside the tank (the opening to the tank was from the other room & cleaning , feeding was done from that side)So you literary felt that you sleeping with a dozen gold fishes..

It kinda looked like this but minus the corals & our bed was right next to the wall

Cocococococcooooooooo

Got all my favourite songs of the band Cold play in to my crackberry & I'm going all mushy every time Cris Martin opens his mouth.. I will someday teach my kids to sing " thank you for the Music the songs I've been singing... & screech my mom loved you Martin!

From morning I've been feeling like a steaming cuppa of hot chocolate with extra marsh mellows.. with the aroma of rich cocoa & the smell of vanilla oozing out of the marsh mellows... Slurp Slurp...

But just 1 line out of all the songs caught me right out of the blue & it said
"For u I bleed my self child"

Now I don't know may be its the lessons that I learnt from the past that taught me that no one is that indispensable in life..But when in love even I do the most bizarre , unforgiving, unimaginable things..

Hides my head under those excels muttering

"Para, Para... Paradise......"

Magic for fools

Would someone has to fall really deep to know if things are working out or not?

I’m sure there are some who are like me,

keeps trying harder & harder saying we must not give up/ need to give all it takes to work things out ..

who ignore all clues & signs purposely

but suddenly it hits u – from nowhere

ultimately it’s all you have been refusing to accept…

The ultimate truth that you kept on denying – what your heart always been telling you..

He ain’t in to you – or she isn’t in to you..

No matter how much it hurts..

But still you wouldn’t listen

You wouldn’t budge

you take a different direction

to tackle it

because you don’t wanna give up

you don’t wanna give in

make up your mind

this futile attempt

To win him

make him yours

but you know soo well,

that you are at the losing end

but still

you don’t wann give up

you Won’t.. give up

you burn your fingers

you fall too deep

it cuts (it cures)

it bleeds (it heals)

it burns (its desire)

its poison ( it’s a heart quencher)

Its misery (its happiness)

it’s just simply hopeless ( its hope)

its additive

it’s a drug

& it’s called LOVE

Pendulum

“We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.”
― Marilyn Monroe

But then I just go back and forth - on and off - alter my self - get bored - lose hope..

Freedom saves, freedom heals, freedom feels, freedom makes and breaks, highest highs ,lowest lows